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micEach year my brother and I have a tradition of sending each other a birthday letter roasting each other. Enjoy!

 

 

A Legacy of Shame and Disappointment

My annual Birthday Letter to my brother Steve.  Enjoy!

Legacy.  What a strong word.  It brings up thoughts of great men and women throughout history, that made their mark, that did great things so that we inherit and reap the benefits of their work.  The World English Dictionary defines it as, and I quote: “something handed down or received from an ancestor or predecessor”.  Things like good looks, intelligence, drive, innovation, and money can be passed down, given as a legacy to those that come after.  Well, I know, I always have to be the “reality check” in your life, a burden I bear… but here is the deal bro.  You know I am a straight shooter.  You, well… how can I say this?  You… are not passing any of those things down.  I looked at the list, and I said dang (I actually almost cursed), “Does he not even possess one of those things?”  I tried.  I looked.  Nothing.  Nada.  Zilch. Zero.  Let’s take them one by one, just so, if we can somehow find a glimmer of a legacy…

1.  Good Looks.  Ok, admittedly, you had the 80’s.  But really, back then, anyone with some tight spandex, a sweet mullet, and a fast car was considered “good looking”.  You know, people look back and try to emulate the 20’s, the 30’s, the 50’s, 60’s, even the 70’s.  But bro… really.  Is anyone bringing the mullet back?  Big NO.  You rocked it.  I thought you were cool, but hey, I was just a naive kid.  I can still remember, you pulling and tugging to get those spandex on, thinking, man, I wanna get me some of them.  But answer me this… what was that extra pair of socks you always had for?  Alway a mystery.  Hmm… But I digress.  So, yes, you had your brief moment of time.  Oh STEVIE was hot.  But look at you now.  Washed up.  I mean, could you imagine you in some spandex now?  Oh, wait, be right back, I have to go throw up!
Whew… I feel better now.  That was awful.  Ok, where was I?  Oh, Washed up.  Have you looked in the mirror lately?  In the last year?  Just look at your facebook?  I mean, you are overweight (aka “fat”).  You have no hair… and what you do have is grey.  You walk with a limp.  Bro… I’m sorry.  I really am.  So, let’s go ahead and check that off the list.  Thank the God of heaven and earth Maddie and Noah got the legacy of Amy’s good looks.  Just sayin… Thank God for all of us.

2.  Intelligence.  Ok, this one, I ALMOST gave you.  That was until I got on your computer, checked the history, and saw that you have a team of people doing all your writings and work… I saw that you hired a book writer from India, a person to do your tweets from the Philippines, a blogger from the Ukraine, a sermon writer from China, and a facebook poster from Cherryville.  Really, I will give you the fact that you had the intelligence to know you needed other people to make you look good.  Ok?  See, I am trying to find nuggets here bro… but it is hard.  These guys do a good job and they work for cheap.  So impressed.  But, there again… they can only take you so far.  So, let’s just say… intelligence is a wash.  Not HORRIBLE, but I wouldn’t write home about it.

3.  Drive.  The only real drive you have now, is the drive from your driveway to McDonald’s.  Dude, speaking of which, that place is killin ya.  The manager called me… to ask for advice.  He said, “He always orders two combos… and he is by himself!”  “He says someone is supposed to meet him, but he sits for a while… and dang if he don’t eat both meals!”  Every time.  Dude, that is a problem.  Oh, back to drive.  You drive yourself to your tree stand… so you can sleep a little more… you drive yourself to Arby’s, Burger King, Chic Fila, Pizza Hut… I don’t think that is what people mean when they say someone has “drive”.  Its more like motivation… which, frankly, you have none.  If you did, well, life would be very different.  So, as a favor, because I really care for you and your family, I’ll start coming over about once a month to just spend some one on one with Maddie and Noah… you know, teaching them that there is more to life than a controller, a couch, and Netflix.  I’ll do that for you bro.

4.  Innovation.  Good lord… I somehow chuckled as I wrote that.  The only thing you are innovative at is getting OUT of work and responsibility and getting into a fast food restaurant.  Really?  I tell you what, your board, they need to say, “Stevie, if you lead us to do x, y, and z… we will give you McDonald’s gift cards”.  Then, bro, can you imagine the results?  You would be innovative as crap… See, I am a problem solver. Something you never had a grasp on… So, no… big NO.  No one will ever look back at your “legacy” and say, wow, he was an innovative person..  Not happenin…

5.  Money.  Oh my gosh… I just had to clean off my screen because I spit out my sundrop when I typed that laughing.  Money is this illusive dream of yours.  I swear, you could be blindfolded, and they could say, “Stevie, there are ten rocks in here and 9 of them are GOLD nuggets.”  You would reach in and grab the plain ole rock.  While everyone else around you… well, they are successful, you try to say, oh, I am “like JESUS”.  I don’t need money.  Steve?  Come on… I am so tired of you putting on this spiritual front, then calling me every week to come pay your Pay Day Money Loan off.  I am not cosigning for you any more.  It has to stop.  So, I think everyone that might read this knows without a doubt you are not leaving a legacy of money… poor Amy and the kids… bless their hearts.

So, that leaves me with the question.  If you are not leaving a legacy of such things…. what are you leaving?  Shame and disappointment.  Yeah, I guess, those can be left… This makes me so sad.  So so so sad.  Good lord, I am crying again.  Sobbing.  You know… it is hard being the one to carry such a burden of trying to leave a good legacy for my kids and yours too.  Nobody knows my secret pain of trying to help you look good.

I would say, hey, its never too late to start now trying to leave a “legacy”.  But frankly, that would be a lie… it is too late.  Look how old you are.  You don’t have any friends, influence, nothing… It’s all a farce, your life.  A failed experiment by a cruel God.  You know… well, forgive me for saying He is cruel.  It is one of those mysteries I will never understand.  Like, here are some of the questions I will ask him when I get to heaven.  I really do have a list… and here it is.

1. Why did you make ticks?
2. Why did you make mosquitos?
3. Who really killed JFK?
4. What were you thinking when you made a platypus?
5. Why did you have to make Steve such a loser and disappointment?

Yes, vast mysteries of our universe, that I hope to get answers to one day… Lord, we all do.  So, bro, I know happy is a relative term, but for what it is worth… hmm… it is like a starving dog who finds a morsel of food… he is happy for a second… well, I hope that cake is a morsel of food for you today, so for a brief moment of this miserable life of yours you can be happy.  Because I know, everyone knows, food makes you happy.

In all seriousness… lol… I love you bro, and yes… you do leave a legacy that you can be proud of!  Well, all except the “good looks” thing.  That was all legit.  🙂  I love you and HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!!!!  NOW ASK AMY TO TAKE YOU TO MICKY D’S!!!!  (You know they allow birthday parties there)  Just sayin….

Your younger, better looking, smarter brother.

Jutt

 

EACH YEAR MY BROTHER AND I WRITE A BIRTHDAY LETTER SLAMMING EACH OTHER. ENJOY!

Justin

Dear Justin,

I wrote this birthday letter days ago. It wasn’t something I could do on your actual birthday. The weight of depression, caused by you being born on November 14 keeps me in bed numb until about midday. I’ve even stopped calling it your birthday. Yes, for you it’s your birthday…but for me, it’s a day of regurgitating everything I eat. Therefore, I refer to your Birthday as my BARFDAY.

I’m guessing you will check your Facebook page for validation on this day, and I do truly hope it helps you. However, you and I both know the truth! Your friends will lie and say nice things; doing the very best they can to bring a little hope into your hopeless life. I don’t roll like that brother. I hit it straight on! I tell you the truth!

Let’s face it, you know deep down as you looked into the mirror this morning the cake your wife and kids will be making for you is just so they can have something sweet to eat. It’s not about you at all. It’s all about the sugar rush that will cause them to forget about you for a few wonderful hours. All your kids would love to get away from you but they are all to young at this point. However, Caleb is a different story.

Allow me to share a dark secret with you. Caleb didn’t go on his mission trip to Brazil to become a man like you told everyone on your Facebook updates. In fact, he has no need to become a man. He has been the man in the family since the day he was born. Caleb went on that trip to Brazil to clear his heart and mind from the shame of having to call you DAD in public all this years. It was freeing for him.

You know that blog where he updated his daily actives while away on JUTTCATION? That’s right, it wasn’t a vacation…it was a JUTTCATION. Well, my dear brother, he had another blog that was set for private, where he vented his frustration toward you for being such a let down in his life. He posted daily at www.mydadisnotthemanhethinksheisbutinsteadisalittlewoundedgirl.com

Blog topics included:
100 reasons I wish my dad was Uncle Steve
50 reasons why I want to be an emancipated minor from my dad
10 reasons I feel shame when I see my dad trying to be manly
500 reasons Uncle Steve would be my dream dad
75 reasons nobody likes my dad
30 ways to avoid hanging out with my dad
12 reasons I know my dad shaves his legs
50 women I know who would make a better dad than my dad

I could list them all but they just get more and more dark. I don’t want to take it to that level. I still have some compassion for you.

Mom called again and was crying. I asked her what was troubling her and she said, “Steve, I’m running out of ways of faking that I’m happy on Justin’s BARFDAY.” I know, I know, I know! I was blown away also that she used the same term to label your Birthday as I do. Crazy stuff! I got her through it once again and she will be calling you soon. Just know I told her all the kind things to say. You can thank me later.

Finally, I must add something about all the houses you are renovating. You do a great job! You take a piece of junk and turn it into a beautiful home people not only want to see, but also they want to buy. My prayer is that you would find someway to do that with your life. Sadly, it will never happen. You know and I know it. Happy BARFDAY.

All joking aside I love you with all my heart. You are a godly father and a true man of God. You set life goals and you pursue them with grace and style. If there was a more intimate term than brother, I would surly use it. I’m proud of all that you are and are becoming. The best years are ahead of you. I celebrate this day with you…YOUR BIRTHDAY. You are a gift from God. I still remember the day you were brought home from the hospital and placed in your crib. I would watch you for hours. I was so overjoyed to have a little brother. I’m still overjoyed and will always have your back. I love you and wish you the best birthday ever. Justin Wright, you are a gift to the world.

Sometimes you just need to laugh. Enjoy and have a great day.